Your Fair Warning
I don’t know how to start this, but I’ve been wrestling with the idea of writing a blog for a long time now. I don’t know why, and honestly I don’t know if any of the things I write about here will be of use to anyone but me. All I know is that I feel like if I don’t start getting these words out of my head and onto a piece of paper, or fuck, I guess a computer, then I will suffocate beneath the weight their holding over me. I’ve never been much of a writer, or much of anything really. I’m just a girl in my late 20s with an incomprehensible need to tell other people what I’ve learned about life, and the things I don’t know if I’ll ever figure out.
Before you embark on reading the rest of this potential disastrous waste of time I think it’s in both of our best interests if I am upfront, and honest about my qualifications as a writer. I’m 28 years old, so I’ve only had a quarter of a life's experience to pull from. I did graduate from college but I pretty much cheated the entire time. I spent a lot of time growing up at the LDA (learning disabled association), and read at a 4th grade level until junior year of high school. I don’t mind lying if it makes me sound cooler. I constantly succumb to peer pressure. I once stole eggs out of a bird's nest and accidentally cracked them all a few minutes later. I’ve worked as a bartender for most of my adult life. Technically, I lost my virginity to a carrot. I’ve only ever been in love with one person. I have a brutally foul mouth. And finally, I’m left handed.
Now if foul, stupid, lying, cheating, inept, 20 something nobodies are your thing, then this one's for you. And if it’s not, well then maybe in the next life; words from my mother, the ones that mind don’t matter, and the ones that matter don't mind.
When I first got the idea for this blog I had just started to process how the first half of my twenties had went. Let me tell you, it was a fucking shit show. I thought my teen years were hard, but my twenties chewed me up and spit me out like a piece of gum, and quick, so like a piece of bubblicious bubble gum. Full of vibrance and flavor for about 2 minutes until it turned to shit and got spit in the trash. I began to think about what I actually would have liked to know back then. I had been read the rights of every teenager about to start their journey into adulthood. Chase your dreams, invest in yourself, see the world, and the rest of the dimwitted advice passed down from people who have no idea what it’s like to be pushed out into adulthood in the world as it is now. Let’s be real, if they haven’t accidentally sent a nude on snap chat to the wrong person, then they really shouldn’t be talking to me about it.
It seems like they think they’re doing this profound favor by telling you can achieve anything you want. But they forget to tell you that as soon as you leave college the debt collectors will start chasing you down, the degree that sunk you there doesn’t really mean shit, and the only job you're eligible for without an internship is going to be in the restaurant industry. The only thing you can do at that point is try to survive, and that’s what I did. It feels like you’re navigating the rough ocean waters in a goddamn canoe. But in the midst of all the struggling you tell yourself I’m in my 20s I should be having fun, so you over do it and go on a few too many drinking binders and eventually you wake up, you’re 27, you haven’t chased any of your dreams, and it’s getting harder and harder to see the lighthouse in the midst of that storm. Woof, writing it out makes it sound horrible, but amongst the misery I assure you that there is an insurmountable amount of fun, love, laughter, and excitement along the way. I just wish there would have been some sort of guide to ease my turmoil when I first got sent an unsolicited dick pic. Or when I had a bout of hangover anxiety that lasted for over a week. But, that’s what I’m writing this for. For all of those beautiful little idiots that need a little bit of help along the way. For what is life without idiocracy? And what are your 20s if not the time to be an idiot.
