Airport Anarchy
Nothing makes me want to shove thorny branches through my eyes and into my skull like the rigmarole of airport security and etiquette. I take full responsibility that my aversion may very well be something I have conditioned myself for. But that does not negate the fact that when most people enter the airport they turn into fucking morons. For whatever reason, as soon as they’re left with their luggage on the sidewalk, suddenly the world around them doesn’t exist. Whatever brain cells or humanism they may be previously possessed leaps from their body like an anxious girlfriend leaps to conclusions. This sudden lack of common sense sets the stage for an inhabitable environment for everyone else. For this, it is time to take and stand. Let’s begin.
First and foremost, when you enter through those glass sliding doors, it is important to remember that the rules of society have not miraculously dissolved behind you, therefore, we’re supposed to act in a civilized way. That means, LINES operate, the way lines have always operated. But for those of you confused, you find the back, and you follow the person in front of you until you get to the front. It does not matter to anyone else what time your flight is at. “Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part” - Bob Carter. If you get confused by this system, or for whatever reason have a skewed sense of self importance and believe you are above this system; I suggest a parasite and heavy metal detox, I hear those are directly related to mental illness.
Although I consider the baggage and security lines a unique form of torture, I believe people show their true colors in the boarding line.But the number on the ticket you received is the position in which you wait in line. I feel like I have this happen every time I am waiting in that stupid ass boarding line. Someone squeezes in front of me, doesn’t ask which number I have, and out of curiosity I peek over their shoulder and notice they should be way behind me. Do I say anything? No. Do I wish the TSA would kick them to the back of the C group for pulling that shit? Yes I do, they should be asked to leave, they should be put on the no fly list, their credit score should lower, whatever you have to do to teach them a lesson.
But beyond that, the way some airlines (I won’t name names) shuttle you into the giant metal dick pistol like a herd of sheep is one of the most preposterous things I have been a part of in my adult life. To me, it feels more like what I imagine cows feel waiting for their impending slaughter, however I’d welcome the sweet relief of death at this point.
The only thing worse than the shit storm going on off the plane, is the anarchy awaiting on the plane. It’s not enough that we’re all packed in here like sardines, but people have a knack of making a bad thing worse. Lets yell, and not wear deodorant, and SHOVE OUR OPEN BAGS INTO THE OVER HEAD LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT. Wouldn’t that be fun? Let the contents of our bags in its entirety fall out onto the head and lap of the innocent bystander calmly trying to buckle herself in. After that we can half apologize and then shove ourselves into the middle seat and CHAT ACROSS THE ISLE TO OUR FRIEND FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THE FLIGHT?! Just disregard the comfort and personal space of everyone else on the flight, by all means, make this miserable.
Just when you begin to think things are looking up and you land, another set of annoyances swoop in to ensure, no part of this experience is going to be enjoyable. I revert back to the line's debacle, the same goes for exiting the aircraft. However, this time the rule is one row at a time. Getting your bag down and taking up space in the aisle does not somehow put you higher up in the line. In fact, it is just making it more difficult for everyone else to gather their belongings get get off the fucking plane. I know none of us are listening to the flight attendants, but they clearly state to WAIT until the row in front of you has exited. I assure you, the plane is not on fire, and if it was none of you are equipped to handle an emergency of that measure so you might as well fold it in at that point.
I bet you thought I was about to be done, you’re thinking we’re off the plane now what else could go wrong. But believe me now, the final and arguably the most nonsensical acts take place after the flight. Starting with baggage claim. I’ll never understand why people feel the need to lean over the luggage carousel to see what is coming out, blocking the view from everyone else. Guess what? If you just stand back and wait then everyone waiting can see what’s coming out. Again this is not only about you. To piggy back off of this insanity, there is a special place in hell for people who go out and greet the person picking them up before even getting their bags. The pick up lane is meant for short, 3 minute, load and leave situations. This isn't a hallmark movie, you’re not that happy to see each other.
In conclusion I ask that we as a society try better at the airports. I travel 133 days out of the year and I fear if something doesn’t change I won’t make it. And judging by my apple watch alerting me that my heart rate has been at a steady 120 while writing this I think my fears are justified. Stay safe out there. Don’t walk and text.
