Spy Glasses
As a kid I watched a LOT of spy movies. I was obsessed, what could be cooler than being a spy? I even signed myself up for “spy kits” to be delivered to my house every month on my mom’s credit card. Needless to say, she didn’t find it as cool as I did. But I loved all the gear they would send me. Motion detectors, invisible ink, and even once got a pair of night vision spy goggles. There was one gadget though, that every spy kid wanted. Spy glasses, the ones that allowed you to zoom in, focus, and analyze what was in front of you. Unfortunately, we all grow up, and I grew out of my spy phase without ever attaining a pair of the most elite spy glasses.
It wasn’t until recently I ever thought about those glasses again. I was looking in the mirror after I had gotten ready for work, about to head out and start my day. As I stood there analyzing myself my eyes began to do what they always do. ZOOM IN, my face. FOCUS, wrinkles, zits, and laugh lines. ANALYSIS: aging. I lower my focus, ZOOM IN, sun spots, uneven boobs, and armpit fat. ANALYSYS: imperfect. I move my focus further down ZOOM IN, my stomach, extra weight, and bloat. ANALYSIS: fat. Finally, I focus on my legs, disproportionately short, stubby, and too muscular. ANALYSIS: misshapen. I zoom back out and am left with the list of micro-analyses of my body tallying up to one giant over-analyzation that I am ugly. I'm left feeling disappointed and you know what? Fuck that.
I thought back to that little girl obsessed with spies. She never had a never given the way she looked a second thought. It’s sad really, how we go from these innocent little people, without any idealization of what we should look like, to an adult over criticizing myself in the mirror. I wonder how I would think about myself now, having never been tainted by society, mean girls, or the media telling me I’m not good enough. Would I still count calories? Would I be able to enjoy fast food without the impending guilt?
I wish there was a way of knowing what happens along the way to make us feel the way we feel about ourselves. But, all we can really do is practice patience with our bodies, and try to look at ourselves with love. If I can zoom my focus in on all the things I find flawed about myself, I can certainly focus in on all the great things about myself. So instead of thinking of my legs as too big, I’ll think of them as strong and powerful. I'll look at my laugh lines as a reminder of all the good times I’ve had, laughing with my friends. And let's be real, I’ve always had great eyebrows (not even my analysis can deny that fact). It’s hard as fuck to just exist but criticizing yourself for no reason is just a waste of time. Every little flaw is a reminder that I am just a human, and deep down I’m still just that little kid, obsessed with spies. Well that’s all, you get the point, be nicer to yourself.
